You Can Never Go Back

I've moved.

2010-04-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

Web addresses that is. I am turning traitor on google and moving my blog to wordpress. At least for now. I am finding that I like the formatting more and it is much easier to update remotely. Anyhow, the address is very similar: youcannevergoback.wordpress.com.

Hope to see you all on the other side!

Ah, the joys

2010-02-21T10:35:00.000-06:00

...of trying to balance life, work, motherhood, and self. I still seem to be stuggling to do this and I am now 30 years old with 2 kids. One would think by this time there would have been a little progress. Thankfully the one things I have learned over time is to laugh at myself and be very, very flexible.

Hubby and Bug are at Hubby's parents' today. They actually left last night. This means that Squeaker and I are chillin' together today. So far so good, although he is starting to get tired and crabby. The silly kid doesn't believe in 2 naps a day - never has - and so I am debating if I should try to keep him moving until right after lunch or just cave and put him down now. The age old question - what will get me more quiet time and potentially a nap myself...

Squeaker is getting so big! He is going to be a year old this next week and I am trying to figure out just where all that time went. He is doing so much better standing on his own and is starting to take our hands and walk us around the room. I don't think he will be walking by his birthday, but soon after he should be cruising around on two legs.

Blah

2010-02-20T19:50:00.003-06:00

I am wasting time tonight. There are papers to correct, dishes to do, and clothes to fold. But I am sitting here surfing the Internet and watching tv. Wonderfully productive.

Squeaker is dealing with another ear infection. I am really nervous that we will have to deal with tubes yet this year. I know that I am probably overreacting, but I really don't want Squeaker to have to deal with getting tubes. Hopefully we can make it through this winter, have a great summer and start a healthy winter next year. Bug was the same way and she just got her first ear infection in 2 years.

We had a Speech meet today. They really drain a person. Nothing physical, just a lot of mental work. This is my 3rd year coaching and I have judged for a few years more. There are a lot of first time members on the team this year...and many of them are also involved in wrestling, basketball, the musical, etc. It seems like the kids you try to recruite are already grabbed by a ton of other activities. I always wonder what will make them reach the breaking point. That is one of the reasons we try to run a fairly flexible program. We want kids there, but don't want to make the kids chose between us and something else. That is one of the quickest ways to turn a kid away from the program.

Anyhow, I am rambling and have absolutely nothing to say. I am thinking it is time to get my iPod and speakers, head into my room, and set the player on some nice nature background noise to help sooth me to sleep.

The new camera

2010-02-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

I got a new camera! My new Canon SD780 si arrived yesterday. I have taken a few pictures and videos of the kids, but haven't stopped to sit down and read through the instructions yet to really see what my new toy can do. I am such a guy asking for directions when it comes to instructions and technology - they don't generally mesh. Instead, I like to channel my three-year-old and push buttons to see what pretty colors and fun sounds are produced. Realistically, I know this is not the best way to explore a $200 camera. Instructions will be looked at in depth tomorrow. I promise.

My fear is that once I sit down with that thick little book and start reading, I will be disappointed. Sure, I did my homework, read all the reviews, shopped around for the best deal. But I am moving up from a Kodak EasyShare that is over 3 years old, and down from a Rebel Xti. I still use and love my Rebel, but needed something that is much more purse/diaper bag friendly. The SD780 fits that bill perfectly - it is so TINY! Since I have't taken the time to really work with the settings, the pictures aren't quite the quality that I am used to. We'll see. By the weekend I am really hoping to run it through the paces and have the chance to write a solid review based on my limited camera knowledge/experience.

Until then...I think it is time for bed.

So. Very. Tired

2010-02-10T15:18:00.000-06:00

That about sums it all up. Squeaker basically slept through the night, getting up at 4am for a bottle and then I got to go back to sleep until the alarm woke me again at 5am. I should be better rested, right? I just don't know what it is. Bug is taking her nap - late because Squeaker had to go to the dentist for black spots on his teeth. Thankfully those just turned out to be some sort of staining that was easily removed, so no bad marks for him this time. But since we had the excitement of the dentist, Squeaker is not going oto nap. That means I have to try to stay semi alert and functioning.

Yeah, right.

Suprise! I'm still here!

2010-02-08T12:13:00.000-06:00

Bet you thought I ran away. Well, I almost did. But the snow stopped me.

We are in the middle of a slow and torturous snow storm. The system is supposed to dump over 10 inches on our area. Guess this is the one time that Mother Nature decided that the weather man could be right.

Schools across the region are closed and the snow is piling up. We are not going anywhere and I am doing my best to put off all housework that could otherwise keep me entertained and help time go by. Nope, I am driving myself nuts by doing a bad job of entertaining the kids and watching the snowflakes fall..and fall...and fall. Did I mention that snowflakes are falling?

Squeaker is into everything lately. The favorite thing for him to torture (besides his big sister)? The tv and any cables he can get his hands on. Saying his name sharply to get his attention doesn't work. Neither does grabbing his hand, saying "no", and removing him from the situation. He looks at us and laughs before heading back to what he was doing. Naughty kid. Right now he is enjoying a "time out" in his playpen, which is filled with toys to keep him entertained. I figure I have about 5 minutes before he gets really bored and wants to to rejoin society again, tormenting anything not nailed down.

Bug takes everything Squeaker does in stride. She really is a great older sister. She doesn't freak out when he pulls her hair or does something else obnoxious. No hitting or pushing (at least no on purpose). How did we get so lucky. Overall they both enjoy spending time together.

Can you tell this weather is totally sucking any sort of humor and liveliness out of me? I can't even think of a semi-funny story that might only appeal to a parent. How sad is that? I guess that is just one more motivational reason to shut down the computer and start reading some papers I promised to look over for a coworker before starting on the pile of term papers sitting in my bag and on my entertainment center and saved online in a drop box. Joy.

Wa wa

2010-01-21T14:44:00.002-06:00

I am sitting in a chair trying to avoid Squeaker. He is home from daycare - again. He is driving me crazy. No real nap. Lots of crying. Lots of demanding snuggle time and then fighting it. He just threw my cell phone at me.

Grrrr.\

Leaving the past behind

2010-01-11T09:34:00.001-06:00

Last night I spent some time on Facebook. I know, there are way more productive things to do.

I was checking up on some friends that I don't really talk to much, but like to keep up-to-date on. One of them is my former best friend from high school.

I say former because she is. Nothing scandalous happened, we just drifted apart. The real breaking point for me was when she had her son and never called to let me know he had arrived. I had to find out through the grapevine.

It was a petty gripe. I know. And I was even more petty when I "failed" to send her even a card in the mail to say congrats. Childish on my part.

But I was hurt. I felt as if every time I offered to get together with her or plan something, I would be brushed off. There would be stories of how she travelled to see other friends, but when the time came to catch up with us, I was always expected to do the traveling.

Yes, I know this sounds childish and petty and juvenile. But it still hurts. Every now and then I try to contact her - sending an e-mail to see what's new in life. Very rarely do I get more than a simple "things are good" in reply.

Anyhow, back to the Facebook browsing. This friend is expecting again. She is due this summer and I found out via Facebook when it became "facebook official." I know we aren't close any more so I really shouldn't have expected anything else. But it still stung.

Is she the only one to blame for our friendship drifting apart? No, not a chance. I know that I probably should have communicated better and that I still should talk to her and let her know how I feel. But I'm not sure that will ever happen and I need to get over it.

Ode to Spot Shot

2010-01-05T12:55:00.000-06:00

Baby puke
Pureed food
Spit up
Diaper doo
All this and more you clean
Not a challenge for you
A mess to clean up
The carpet looks good
I know that it is not a fluke

However

The smell is bad
It makes me so sad
Better than vomit
that from my child shoots like a comet
But still heavy and strong
And from the air to fade it takes so long

What to do?
What to do?
My child makes a mess.
What to use instead
is anyone guess.
The next product I dread.
Will the smell be better?
Will it smell light as a feather?

Ah, I know you're dependable
My nose will survive
Although through all the scrubbing
my carpet may not.

A patch

2009-11-28T22:00:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I talked. Really talked. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you stop and really listen and consider your words. Are things perfect? No. Will they ever be? Not a chance. I still have problems with how he sees me sometimes, but at least now I think he understands how much his words can hurt and how he does need to apologize on occassion. At the same time, I need to realize that I do a lot of judging as well and that's not okay either. And apologizing for it as I do it also doesn't make it okay...that is sort of like starting off a sentence with "No offense, but..."

Not cool.

Welcome to the roller coaster that is me. It is a little scary to know that I can crash so hard and get so wrapped up in everything so much and let it control me so completely. I used to think that my personality was more shades of gray than blank and white. I was wrong. I am way more black and white than I ever thought. The conversation with hubby helped me to see that better...I guess personal perception isn't always the best thing to rely on.

This weekend we spent a ton of time in the car and with family. Tonight I have the kids and hubby is at his folks' place working on an engine that his grandpa gave him. The plan had been to have Bug stay the night with him, but due to some miscommunication with his family, Bug got to spend time with me and Squeaker (who is teething and not much fun). We rented a movie and got Subway (or "Eat Fresh" as she calls it sometimes).

Now the little ones are sleeping. I have spent some "quality time" putting some pictures up for sale on Etsy.com in hopes that I can make a little money off my hobby. This last year was tough in terms of trying to get out there with the camera. I didn't do any portrait work or really promote myself. Being pregnant and having a new baby, along with a preschooler, can make it really hard. I'm working to change that.

Here is the shameless promotion part. If you are interested in digital prints of good (great) quality, look to the right. There is a banner of my Etsy.com store. There will be more images added soon...it takes time to copyright them and scale them down for the store..so check back soon. If there is a particular image/style/feel you are looking for, let me know. I have a few years worth of work that I am sorting through and probably have something that would be of interest.

Okay. Shameless self promotion is over. Have a great night everyone. And thanks for listening. I mean it. Thank you.

dead end

2009-11-25T14:33:00.000-06:00

we talked...nothing. hubby feels his way, i feel mine. this morning we fought over the fan - he wanted it off last night, i wanted it on. nobody won. he doesn't feel it's necessary to apologize for the things he said during our fight. he thinks of me as a "15-year-old" in how i deal with responsibility. maybe i am. i think it is more me just giving in/up and not wanting to deal with being over analyzed or watched for the littlest mistake...if i don't try, then he can't blame the problems on me, right? wrong. i know it isn't a solution because then i really am putting more and more control into his hands so when i do try to step up and give feedback or make a decision, then i really have no footing because i have off loaded so much already.

i am tired of feeling like a puppy that peed on the floor. i get yelled at and scolded, time passes, and i'm temporarily forgiven for my mistake and let back into the house...until i pee in someone wheaties again. i can't take cycle. it's starting to boil over into times when the kids are up and are hearing us fight. not good.

it's time for counseling, i think. but i don't want to. counseling just seems like defeat. i hate the idea of admitting to people that i know that there are some serious problems in our relationship...then again that is kind of what i am doing here since there are a few people who know be from "back in the day" that read the blog.

i don't know. talking to someone is a good idea. it opens the door to a neutral party that can help intercept some of the static. but it is scary to think about it. not only is is admitting that we, as almost 30-year-olds, can't manage to have a decent conversation when it comes to really important stuff, but i will have to really face some things about me that i am not sure i am ready to face.

then again, maybe it isn't that i am not ready to face my downfalls, maybe it is more that hubby will have to face them and realize that i am not the person he wants to be with the rest of his life. there are some characteristics about me that haven't changed over the years - my lack of solid housekeeping skills for one - but he has seemingly forgotten that my not jumping at cleaning isn't a new trait.

i just don't know.

Not sure

2009-11-24T14:49:00.000-06:00

I am trying to get a bunch of work done for a grant that is supposed to be done on Monday - November 30. Not sure this is going to happen, but I am going to do my best. I am working with another teacher, who I have confidence in, but the timing with Thanksgiving break and all isn't looking good. We'll see. There is a stipend of $500 and $1000 technology money at stake here...real motivation. But you would have thought with motivation like that, things would have gotten done much, much sooner.

I am still feeling out of whack and I just can't put my finger on why. I spent the majority of my day after work doing stuff around the house and playing with the kids. Hubby I am sure was very happy. I had asked him to be home at a decent time, if work allowed, so I could go to a photography club meeting. Fast forward and 8:30 rolls around and he asks if I just didn't feel like going. I had completely forgotten about the meeting. I had gotten so busy with dishes and supper and getting the kids ready that the meeting completely slipped my mind. I was pretty ticked with myself, but at the same time I was upset with him...if he had expected me to go, why didn't he offer to do some of the stuff with the kids to get me out the door. Frustrating.

He tried to cuddle again last night. Actually, he asked me from his side of the bed if I was in the mood. He made some comments, I'm not really sure if they were meant to be mean or snide, but that's how I took them. It feels like I am constantly defending or explaining myself. He got out of bed again and I am not sure what time he came back. I just want him to say that he is sorry, that he really doesn't think I am a complete screw up and lazy and everything else he said the other night. How do I tell him this without seeming really petty? How does he expect me to be all cozy when that's hanging in the air?

I just don't know.

stalemate

2009-11-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was long and strained. No real fight, but things - for me at least - are very tense. I am thinking that I am going to do something wrong and start a fight...then I get pissed that I am trying so hard to be so careful. It is a no win situation. Hubby and I need to talk, but I am dreading the conversation. I know a lot of it is me building things up and blowing them out of proportion. I need to take a step back and really analyze things. But it is hard. Analyzing things means that I might have to admit that some of the things Hubby says are right.

He tried to cuddle last night, but with my being stiff from a short, but surprisingly hard, fall down some steps while we were looking at houses on Saturday and being antsy from the car ride, I told him "np." He didn't like the answer, but to his credit he just left the room after a few minutes to go downstairs and watch tv for a bit instead of starting something. There was no satisfaction in turning him away...I slept like shit for the rest of the night. I just don't know. This is his way of apologizing...not really saying "I'm sorry" but trying to be cuddly and close again. The things he said were really hurtful, but were they really that unjustified? Again, I am afraid that the answer isn't what I want to hear right now.

God I feel like a drama queen.

Not sure what's going on

2009-11-22T14:09:00.000-06:00

I am feeling...exceptionally emotional lately. Hubby and I had a fight this week, I had to rush to finish things for the end of the quarter, and everything is making me feel on edge. Right now, I am visiting my folks and everyone is outside, except little Squeaker who is napping, and I feel about ready to jump out of my skin. I am super moody. I'm not sleeping well and everything is out of whack.

I am looking forward to...trying to actually get some of my picture back up on my etsy account. Don't know if I will sell any, but at least I am making an effort. I might actually make a small sale on some portrait work I did for a family 2 summers ago now. That would be nice. Being pregnant with Squeaker really started the whole "push pause" on my photography.

I need to...get a grip. There are papers correct and things to do, but nothing is grabbing my interest.

This blog...sucks. It is all about me being down and crabby. Enough complaining...I'll go correct some papers so I don't fall into the mess again.

Stress much?

2009-11-11T09:43:00.001-06:00

I am feeling exceptionally stressed today. Thankfully the kids are both healthy, which will hopefully last longer than a week. In the past month, Squeaker has had two double ear infections and pink eye. In the last month we have been on 3 antibiotics. I think it would be okay to put the find pharmacists on my Holiday list this year.

The end of the quarter is tomorrow, I have a buttload of papers to correct and neither the time or motivation to do them. Part of the problem is that I am not getting a ton of sleep at night, or at least quality sleep, and so even though the kids are up and ready to go during the day, I am completely exhausted and only want to sleep. I am also fighting a cold/sore throat/ear infection myself and this isn't adding to motivated working conditions.

Okay. I vented. Now it is time to get back to work before the kids get out of the lyceum and come back to class.

Seriously?

2009-11-03T13:20:00.000-06:00

I am home, again, with Squeaker. He just can't catch a break. A week ago last Friday he had to visit the doctor with the fastest moving case of pink eye I have ever seen. Doc confirmed pink eye and tossed in a double ear infection. Wonderful. Last night we were back at urgent care for, you guessed it, pink eye and another round of ear infection. Thank God this kid is so mellow and we haven't had to deal with a screaming, fussy child. He has been so happy that we had no idea what was going on until the pink eye reared its ugly head.

I've been feeling slightly under the weather, but of course I didn't nap like I should have. That would have made too much sense. The goal was to try to get some work done. So far I have created 5 tests and corrected a batch of tests that were taken last week. I have another stack that needs to be gone through and entered and literally about 100 papers to read. Realistically, these weren't all going to get done today, but I had at least hoped to get though about 20 papers. It wouldn't be a big deal, but the end of the quarter is next Friday and so the grades need to be done. Ack!

Life in our household has been going well. I have adopted a positive mentality. It sounds cheesy, but I think it's working. Whatever is going on my life - good or bad - I try to take a moment or two to really focus on the good. It can be incredibly tough. The funny thing is, I have an easy time doing it at school than at home. Maybe it is because I am only with my students for 50 minutes versus hours on end. Who knows. The first step is to recognize the struggle I am having staying positive at home sometimes and checking that attitude. It isn't Hubby's or the kids' fault that I am crabby (well, not all the time). Okay, never. It is my choice how to deal with the situation and being crabby just isn't a good one.

I am also trying to spend more quality non-car ride time with Bug. Right now she is traveling 40 minutes round trip with me 4 days a week to preschool, which is in the same building as the high school. She loves going to school, but some days I am so wiped from work and trying to entertain her in the car so she stays away (she and Squeaker go down for nap as soon as we get home usually), that I just shut down. Not cool. So last night we played tea party and turned a blanket into a boat and some pillows into a rock path through the ocean to the recliner island. It was a lot of fun, but boy can that girl play. I think if she were to have her way, we would STILL be on that boat!

Overall, I guess I am just trying to be a better person and follow through a little more fully on my obligations. More importantly, I am trying to be more present for everyone around me, regardless of their role in my life. Well, everyone except for maybe my principal...that man just makes my blood pressure spike and my head feel like it is splitting open. But I am sure even he has his good qualities.

Ahhhh - Quiet

2009-10-23T20:34:00.000-05:00

I am...stealing this blogging format from a friend. She is super creative and, whether she knows it or not, gives me a lot of good ideas.

My weekend...is going to be questionable. Hubby and Bug are out of town, which was supposed to give me some quiet, quality time with Squeaker and some time to get work done. Unfortunately, Squeaker is sick. He has pink eye (which is now residing in both eyes) and a double ear infection. Poor kid. I had no idea that he was feeling yucky until this morning, right when I was dropping him off at daycare. And even then I thought he had just gotten something in his eye (he likes to rub his nose on shoulders, blankets, hats, etc.). But when daycare called a few hours later, I could see it was way more than that. It was a total suprise, however to hear about his ears.

Work is...frustrating. I am rushed all the time and never feel like I am getting anything accomplished. I know, though, that I am doing a much better job of being organized and contacting parents than I have done in previous years. I am trying to find ways to fund the technology I want/need in my room and raise money to help purchase materials for the department. This is something that the school should be doing, but with budget cuts things are tight. Plus, my administration is lacking in many areas...they have decided that it is okay to save money by not getting subs for teachers when they are gone. Can anyone say "study halls"?

I wish...I could find a way to stay focused and motivated. The goal for tonight was to do dishes and maybe even fold that dreaded pile of laundry. So far I have played computer, written, watched tv, played with Squeaker, and meandered aimlessly through the house. Hubby has diagnosed me with ADD. He is not a doctor, but sometimes I am thinking there might be something to his unprofessional diagnosis. I am severely distractable and absentminded.

Tonight....I am just going to throw in the towel and go to bed. I will try to get the family blog updated and some work done with Squeaker is napping tomorrow. But before going to bed, I better make a list of things I need to get in the morning...Squeaker is about one 6 ounce bottle away from being without formula. This kid is eating constantly.

Future projects...find some more fun and interesting ways to get the kids writing and reading at school. Work on the kids' scrapbooks. Take some time to learn more about the A Week in the Life project. The person I took this blog format from today has done this project a few times and I love seeing what she does. Maybe I'll take out the old camera and give it a try.

The calm after the storm

2009-10-05T14:42:00.004-05:00

Hubby and I worked out our issues - for now, at least. It is amazing what you can get accomplished if you just talk about things instead of throwing a fit and yelling.

I need "me" time. Time to center myself and get things back on track. Hubby doesn't need as much. We are looking at things from two different points of view.

Hubby works. A lot. It isn't unusual for him to work 50+ hours and still have to run in quick on the weekend to start a program or make sure something was done. He hates that he has to spend so much time out of the house. Once or twice a week he does try to get out and do something he enjoys to work out some issues so he doesn't bring it home with him. He is really big on leaving work at work. Hubby hates the fact that he gets so little time with the kids and with me. I can understand this.

At that same time, I am a part-time teacher. Being part-time, though, doesn't necessarily mean part-time work load. I see almost 100 kids in the 4 class periods I am at school. My schedule doesn't include a prep period to run errands or contact parents or correct papers or prep for the next day's lesson - that all gets to be done at home. Lucky me.

I drop the kids off at daycare and rush to work, then I fly through my day jotting down notes of things that I need to try to remember to grab/do on my way out the door.

Once I am released from my duties, I race home to pick up the kids from daycare so they can get comfortable to take a nap.

While the kids are napping, I try to catch up on work e-mail, correcting, lesson writing, household chores, etc. I usually have about an hour (today I am being greedy and using this hour to blog and get caught up on personal e-mails).

Then the kids get up and need a snack. About this time it is time to start considering what will be on the table for supper.

Get supper ready, do a few dishes, give the kids a bath, and then put them to sleep.

The kids finally fall asleep and I have just enough time to make sure there are clothes for me (and everyone else) to wear tomorrow and do a little more picking up so I don't trip in the middle of the night if Squeaker needs a midnight snack. Oh, and I can't forget the last minute correcting/grade updating/planning. Jeez.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky person. I get to see my kids a lot more than most working parents. But I have to be honest and take some time for me. Hubby doesn't have the same situation and I think he maybe understands where I am coming from a little more. Plus, he did a nice job of explaining why he reacts the way he does when I "help" him do thing with the kids or around the house.

Our relationship has seen better days, but at least we are working on it. And at least we are starting to be a little more honest about what is bothering us instead of keeping it all locked away; festering and waiting to burst. There are still things to work through, but there is a lot more to be thankful for.

Grrr.

2009-10-03T18:01:00.002-05:00

Hubby and I got into a fight this week. Thursday to be exact and I missed out on yet another thing that I wanted to go to this week. Yep, I was so upset that I couldn't handle going to MOPS because I didn't want to explain the red, puffy eyes. Dammit, I hate that this guy knows how to push my buttons and make me emotional. Okay, there is still a little anger that I am dealing with.

There are some serious communication issues that need to be dealt with. The problem (okay, excuse) is that we are both typical oldest children and really know how to dig our heels in when we don't want to see reason. So I have to ask myself, am I really the victim here (like I feel I am), or is this just me digging myself into a hole, refusing to see his point of view. Right now, I want to play the victim. I need to play the victim. But the reality is that I am just as much to blame as he is. I need to play the victim card because then I don't have to admit just how crummy of a job I am doing on making myself be understood. It is a two-way street, though, and right now I feel like the only car attempting to travel down a road under construction.

The kids are watching a movie (bad mom, I know) and dinner is in the process of being made. My folks just called and informed me that they are coming to visit tomorrow morning. Great. I love my parents, but the house is a disaster, Hubby and I need to spend some time talking, and there is a ton of work to do for school. Unfortunately, the way it looks is that I will be cleaning all night while Hubby goes into work to get his stuff done, the talk will have to wait until another night, and I will be working on stuff a little later than planned tomorrow night. My folks so rarely get a chance to travel up to see us and Bug is giddy knowing that Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Who can deny a kid that joy? Not me. I refuse to be the big bad mom to keep her kids from the grandparents.

Oh well, better make sure supper isn't burning. Then off to fold clothes and give baths. The joy. The joy.

I struggle

2009-10-01T14:27:00.002-05:00

I struggle as a mom, a wife, a teacher. I struggle as me. Some days I'm not sure it is ever going to come together. It feels like I am constantly rushing off to do something but never have enough time to finish the last thing I started. My kids know I love them (I hope), but sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. Will I ever feel like a successful mom?

As a wife, I am never sure where to put myself. How much of me needs to come through and how much is overkill? How much of that question/thinking is just wrong to start with? I listened to an essay from the second This I Believe book/CD and a woman talked about how she settled in her life/marriage and she is okay with this. What she said made sense. Did I settle? Am I okay with this?

Teaching is something that I love to do. But doing it halftime (that's all I'm contracted for) really puts me at a disadvantage. I am only in the building half the time and that means half the contact with the kids that need to follow up with me outside of class. The feeling to prove myself only grows as bullshit from administration gets deeper. I refuse to fail, but sometimes the little hiccups are overwhelming.

Struggling to be me. If I can't find a way to succeed in any of the other areas of my life, how can I be a success as me?

Then something happens. Something little that makes me think maybe I'm not doing such a bad job. Today the weather is crappy. We have been getting rain all day and there has been a few claps of thunder. Bug is terrified of the thunder. Instead of freaking out and throwing a fit, she told me that she wanted to talk about being scared and tried to understand where the thunder came from. She's 3. I am so proud of her, trying to use words to figure out her world instead of just reacting. She came up with a solution, too. Instead of sleeping alone in her room, she brought all of her stuff out to the living room and is going to rest on the couch while watching a movie. I know, I know. Having my kid veg on the couch infront of the tv isn't a great idea, but the point is that she knew she needed quiet/rest time and came up with a solution that would help her not be scared or alone while still giving her a chance to fall asleep/rest. Pretty cool.

Breast cancer awareness month

2009-09-30T15:16:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, October is breast cancer awareness month. To show some support and help bring some awareness, the blog is going pink.

Help out. Go to TheBreastCancerSite.com to click and help raise money to give free mamograms to women in need. If you are looking for a fun gift, stop by the store. 1% of every purchase goes toward helping to pay for mamograms.

On Facebook? Show your support by becoming a fan and helping the Breast Cancer Site page reach 1 million fans. If they do, they will donate $100,000 to research.

The time, it flies

2009-09-30T15:08:00.002-05:00

Squeaker is sick. He came down with a fever and sore throat on Monday. So home he stayed on Tuesday and today. Thankfully it is nothing more than a viral sore throat - no strep or flu or anything. Downside (?) this means that there are no meds that we can give him to move things along other than Tylenol or Motrin for the fever. I have sucked more snot out of his nose in the last 48 hours than I thought possible to reside in a body that small. I think he is on the mend and can go to daycare tomorrow.

Bug started preschool this year. I can't believe she is getting so old. She a very mature 3 going on 30. Her preschool is in the same building that I teach in and she loves being able to interact with all the big high school kids. She was upset today that she didn't get to teach any of my students. Maybe next time.

I'm ducking downstairs while the kids play. It seems like the only way I get a minute or two to myself lately. Hubby is constantly busy with something and to keep him happy I don't say much. Life is easier that way. Although, I am starting to assert myself and do things that are just for me. I am trying to get out once a month to join a photography club. Unfortunately, something has come up the last 3 months I've tried to go and so I haven't officially joined the club yet. I did, however, join a MOPS group. I think it will be good, but at the same time it is a little frustrating that the one group I am able to get out the door for still deals with motherhood. I love my kids, but do I need yet one more reminder that I am a mom?

Squeakers is screaming...he is tired of the exersaucer and needs some cuddles. Thank God Bug has learned how to entertain herself. She still loves the cuddles and snuggles, but can play quietly on her own if she absolutely has to.

Wiped out

2009-09-18T14:34:00.003-05:00

Time flies when you're having fun.

This past month has flown by and, honestly, it wasn't that much fun. Actually, I am trying to remember a lot of it and am pulling a blank. Sad.

We started school again. There is never ending turmoil there. The higher ups can't seem to get things figured out and the teachers are the ones who are getting the short end of the stick. Curriculum promised us hasn't been ordered and they are still thinking about shifting classes around - we are almost 3 weeks into the year. Seriously? The big thing that drives me nuts is that the administration won't listen to the teachers, the people that are in the classroom and have firsthand experience. Go figure. So now the parents are raising Cain and who gets blamed for their student not get the personal attention? Yep, us - the teachers. Hopefully this gets figured out sooner than later. We, the teachers, can handle the frustration of having too many kids to work with. Stressful, but workable. Unfortunately the kids, especially 7th graders, don't do as well.

The kids and I got flu shots today. Bug is fighting nap and is really, really tired and still sad about getting stuck. Squeaker, thankfully, fell asleep. The kids are also adjusting to daycare schedules - again - and have been a little stressed out because I keep picking them up at naptime. This means that they get comfy and, Bug at least, fall asleep only to have Mom wake them up and take them home to finish nap. Not ideal. Hopefully next week willl start to be more routine.

Bug started preschool on the 14th and has already changed school. I didn't do my homework and school number 1 was really nice, but a really long drive. Plus she didn't get to work with the actual teacher while she was there and instead got to spend her time with a para. Wonderful woman, but it would be nice to have some teacher time. Now Bug is in my building and the teacher is with the kids all day long. Bug is only there half days, but I feel better. Unfortunately since I didn't do my homework and we had to switch buildings late, there isn't room for her to go 4 days a week like we wanted. But we are working on it. Keep your fingers crossed.

There is more to write. But I promised Bug that I would lay down with her for a bit. She could care less about the cookies I promised to bake with her later - it's all about the cuddle time.

I can't believe summer is almost over

2009-08-29T11:04:00.002-05:00

My goal here was to pick one topic a blog and run with it. With my self-diagnosed ADD and having to kids with me most of the summer, I failed horribly to write much. But that's not to say things haven't been busy.

Bug had her first dentist visit almost a month ago. We had been building up to it for some time and she was extremely excited. She was great going. No fear of the tools or of the dentist. Her downfall? The reclining chair. Who would have thought? But with her teeth looking great, we don't have to worry about facing that big, scary chair for another year.

We also signed Bug up for preschool. There were some issues with her daycare (like us not liking her teacher) and this was a good way to get her out of that room and into another educational situation that would challenge her. She is going to learn Norwegian. (This reminds me that I better do a search on the library's site to see if they have any "How to Speak Norwegian" CDs.) Since signing her up, we have changed daycares but she is still going to give preschool a try. She is super excited.

Squeaker hit the big 6 month mark this month. I can't believe he is getting so old. I remember him being so small and helpless and now he is starting to be a lot of fun. Well, most of the time at least. The not so fun parts are where we are trying to wean him (he is finally starting to get excited when he sees a bottle) and retrain him to fall asleep himself. I think we are down to 45 minutes of crying (at least that was what it was last night) before passing out. Forget the whole "2-3 days/nights retraining" (thanks for that hope, doc). Nope, my kid is smart and stubborn. He's picked up on the routine and starts crying before I leave the room now. Before he kind of hung out like he was waiting for the punchline of a really bad joke. He has realized there is no punchline and he really doesn't think this process is fun. On the upside, once he is done screaming for us, he does sleep through the night. Gotta be thankful for something, right?

Squeaker is also going to the new daycare. Something tells me this place will be much better at helping us with establishing a schedule for him and encouraging the whole sleeping process. The other place basically let him fall asleep in a swing or bouncy chair or on the floor. Wherever he dropped, that's where he napped. Not very productive in schedule development. Come to think of it, I don't know if he slept in the crib while there at all. Hmmm.

Daycare. That was interesting. There were so many problems. But I will take that up in another blog later. Right now the little man is screaming and kicking and I better check in to reassure him that no, we didn't leave him, we are just being mean in trying to teach him to be self reliant.

diapers.com and a referral code

2009-08-04T20:16:00.003-05:00

Here is a shameless plug for a service I recently tried: diapers.com.

I just got my order today: 204 size 3 Baby Dry Pampers plus 3 refill packs of Pampers wipes.

Total cost? $43.98!

So the cost was so low because there was a $1 manufacturer's coupon (not huge, but it helps) and a $10 off first time customer order coupon (huge help). Because my original order was over $49, I got free shipping and since the order was placed before 6pm on Sunday, I got speedee shipping and the diapers were on my doorstep (via UPS) today! Talk about nice.

SO - if you like how this sounds, please check out the site and be sure to use my referral code: CURI4337. This will earn me credits/discounts on future orders. Once you register, you will get your own referral code to pass along.

Be sure to check back. In my next post I will share some of the coupon codes that I got from my order. All new customers get the $10 off - they give you a code once you register. Plus you can do a search for other codes that give you additional perks, like a free subscription to a parenting magazine.

Where does the time go?

2009-08-04T19:42:00.003-05:00

My goal had been to do a lot more blogging this summer. Taking time to remember and record what happens in the my life and the lives of my kids...a working verbal scrapbook, if you will. It didn't quite happen that way. It seems like every time I thought of something to blog about, I was never near a computer or didn't have a piece of paper to jot the thought down. And if I was near a computer and had time to blog, I couldn't think of what I had originally wanted to write in the first place. I feel like so many things have been lost because of this. Not because I didn't blog, but because I didn't make a better effort to write this stuff down or jot a quick note at the time it happened.

The kids are growing up so fast. I never thought I would be the sentimental type to regret that we are done having kids or want them to stay this age forever. But I do. I know I didn't get so sappy when Bug was growing up because I knew there was always the plan to have another baby. But now that I know we are done, I get really sentimental and, well, moody when I think that seeing Squeaker roll over for the first time will be the last chance I have to watch one of my kids do that for the first time in their life.

As I mentioned, Squeaker has rolled over. He can do both back to belly and belly to back. He prefers to do back to belly then just cry when he gets bored of sitting on his belly and wait for us to help flip him over. He also started rice cereal two weeks ago and is doing great. He eats like a horse. Honestly, I don't know where he puts it all. Especially since he still drinks (breastfeeds for the moment yet) before bed (or right after the meal, depending on his mood). We are working on getting rid of the breastfeeding and just using a bottle. Sunday we made homemade green bean baby food. He wasn't sure of it the first time he tried it, but now doesn't seem to care too much. Granted this is the second time he has eaten it, but considering he consumed everything I gave him, I consider it a good sign that he liked the meal.

Bug is going to be starting preschool in September. The daycare that she goes to is great in terms of lessons and she is doing well in learning her colors, letter, number, months, days of the week, etc., but I am not a huge fan of her classroom teacher there. So we are going to try preschool - a Norwegian immersion program through my district. It should be interesting. That reminds me, I better see if I can get my hands on a few language CDs so Hubby and I can learn along with her. Something tells me that we better know what she is talking about as she learns the new words, otherwise things could get frustrating at times when there is a breakdown in some areas of communication.

So there are the major things that are going on in my life at the moment. I am basically amazed at the daily changes and developments in the kids and sad at the same time. There are a few regrets on what never got accomplished this summer, but I realize that there is nothing for me to do about it but go forward and do the best I can.

With that said, I am going to check my mail and think about bed. The kids are home with me tomorrow and I have to try to clean the house so it looks presentable for the sitter. Hubby and I are having a date night! (Does the idea of a clean house with two small kids seem like an oxymoron to anyone else?)

Ahhh

2009-07-22T20:55:00.002-05:00

Hubby asked me last night if I thought I could write a book. Honestly, probably not. I've had ideas, but while I can wow the pants off my students at times, I am nowhere near the skill level I would need to be to publish a decent book. Plus, I don't have the discipline to focus long enough to write. Heck, I have a hard time remembering to update my blog. Write a book? Yeah, right.

But I have had dreams to do it. The desire is there. Maybe one day something spectacularly interesting will happen to me and I will find the focus needed to share my sorid tale with the world. Hmmmm. Could happen.

In other, more realistic avenues of my world.

Squeaker started on rice cereal last night. My baby is growing up. He seemed to like it and ate some from the bowl, then we added a little to his bottle. Tonight he just ate from the bowl - no bottle. It totally knocks him out at the end of the night. He has been sleeping since 7pm. Normal bedtime is closer to 9pm. What sort of trouble will this cause me? There is a strong possibility that we will need to push back his cereal feeding to later in the night.

Hubby was the one who actually has been feeding Squeaker his cereal. When we (I) mixed it up last night, I totally planned on being the one to sit down and feed the little guy. Nope. Hubby grabbed my chair and went to town. At least I got to eat my meal in peace.

In reality, I was devistated. (Sappy Mommy rant here.) This marks a transition from Squeaker being completely dependent on me and a very special time for us each day/night to him being able to basically look to anyone with a bowl of cereal to find food. Okay, so that's a little simple, but this is one of the first steps of us sort of breaking away from each other.

No, that's not quite putting it right either. I know that it is a great thing that Hubby is stepping up and bonding with Squeaker over a meal, but this has been my department for 5 months and I feel a little pushed aside. I know it is being silly, but it is hard. There are so many little things that I know will come to an end, but I'm just not ready for him to make that next step. He's my baby and am I really ready to give that up?

On the other hand, I so promise not to become the mother in I'll Love You Forever. That book is just creepy.

With that said, I better go to bed. Something tells me I am going to get a chance to do some late night.early morning snuggle/bonding time on the recliner with the little one.

Mommy, what's this?

2009-07-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

The questions have begun. Bug is start to notice differences about her body and it all seems to be happening at once.

Saturday, after going to a small local zoo (which amounted to some birds, billy goats, deer, and buffalo), she wanted to play and pretend to be a billy goat. Her new fascination is pretending to be an animal and I get to be the "mommy whatever."

Two of the billy goats were very pregnant. She now keeps telling me while we are playing pretend that baby billy goats are going to come out of my tummy. Uh - no. She also tried to pretend to breastfeed her toy cat while rocking with me later that night. Hmmmm. Actually I am kind of suprised that it took this long for her to try pretending this since I have been breastfeeding Squeaker for almost 5 months now.

The moment that really took me by surprise was last night after bath. All of us were sitting in the living room. Hubby was playing with Squeaker and I was getting Bug ready after her bath. (I know it sounds funny to say that I was getting her ready in the living room, but the way our house is set up there is more room to get things ready here verses her room or the bathroom at this point.) Well, she has been showing more interest in what's happening "down there" lately and last night was a night of exploration and questions. As I am trying to get her lotioned and dressed, she sits there, looking at her crotch. First she tells me that she pees from the holes in the front and poops from the back.

Good. We have the basics.

Then she continues to look. And look. And look. She is asking me questions about why there are holes. Then tells me that she doesn't like them...which I reply that that is how she is made and they are supposed to be there. We didn't get too detailed. I did, hopefully, handle things properly by not freaking out and just telling her that this area is private and if she is going to look or touch that area of her body, she needs to do it in the bathroom or her room. And that she needs to make sure to wash her hands when she is done.

Hubby was so embarrassed. When Squeaker gets older, he is so handling the questions. It is amazing how I can use the words vagina and penis with my students (they were dealing with the sex education section in health and brought up the words to see if they could embarrass me), but when it comes to my own kids I have to work really hard not to freak out.

And to think that before having kids, my biggest fear was potty training. Silly me.

The Countdown

2009-07-17T14:26:00.002-05:00

Squeaker is quickly approaching 5 months. I can't believe where the time has gone or how few pictures I have taken compared to Bug. I never thought I would be the parent that let the ball drop on pictures with the second child, but now I understand it really isn't a choice. There is so much more to do and I am so much more tired that pictures have, unfortunately, taken a back seat to everything else.

But another realization has really started to take formation. My days of breastfeeding are coming to an end.

When Squeaker was born, even born his birth, I declared with much conviction that once he turned 6 months, we would start the process of weaning him from breastfeeding and going strictly bottle fed while introducing solids. My goal is to be done breastfeeding by the time I go back to work in September - there will be no pumping for this lady during the work day. And I am okay with this.

But am I?

Because Squeaker isn't sleeping through the night yet, a fact that bothers my hubby more than me (Squeaker tends to get up once, maybe twice a night to eat), we have opted to start giving him cereal in his bottle at night when he turns 5 months next week. This is significant for two reasons. One, he is going to start venturing into the world of food not produced solely by me. Two, he is going to get a regular bottle. He hates the bottle and, while I feel bad for the daycare teachers, I am okay with this. It makes my time with him that much more special in a way.

But it is time. August is around the corner and realistically there is no way he will be weaned from me in a matter of days. It will take some time for him (and me) to adjust to a new routine of bottles during the day and me breastfeeding him only at night (if he wakes up).

My little boy is growing up and my little girl (who is 3) is not so little any more. It is almost enough to make me change my mind about having more kids. Thankfully I am more rational than that and will not cave to baby fever.

I am so bored

2009-07-03T21:16:00.002-05:00

I should be working on a class that I am teaching next week or the grad work that is also due next week, but I am shutting down.

Last night I had a softball game and since Nick is out of town with my dad and brother on a prairie dog hunting trip, I had to get a sitter for a couple of hours to watch the munchkins.

Bug basically refused, in her cute but manipulative way, to go to bed. So instead of dreaming dreams at 7:30pm like she was supposed to be doing, she was still in bed goofing off at 8:45pm. Squeaker was also up, but this didn't surprise me. This may not seem late to most people, especially since Bug is 3, but this kid needs her 10-12 hours of sleep and bedtime is typically around 7pm.

So after the sitter leaves, I go in and talk to her and let her know that she needs to go to sleep because there is a big day of daycare (share a toy day and water day - very busy) and so she really needs to sleep. And, by the way, Mommy is going to take a fast shower so don't worry if Squeaker starts to cry because I will be with him in just a minute.

Needless to say, Squeaker did, in fact, start crying. And, you guessed it, Bug didn't stay in bed. She climbed out and came to the bathroom to tell me that Squeaker was crying. I told her that I would be with him in just a minute, but if it would make her feel better she could go sit with him. And wouldn't you know it, she did and the little guy stopped crying. He loves the attention that he gets from his big sister and I have to say that I am pretty impressed with how patient she is with him.

So I rush to get dressed, but pause a moment to watch the two interact. She's kissing his cheek and arm; he's lookign at her and smiling. It was adorable and I totally didn't care at that moment that Bug was up over 2 hours past her normal bedtime. Squeaker and I tucked her in and then I sat down to feed Squeaker. He was in bed about an hour later than usual. I figured I better set an alarm otherwise we would all oversleep the next morning.

I was so, so wrong.

Bug was up at 6:20am. Way too early. And of course it wasn't her walking into my room to tell me she was awake. It was the usual screaming from her bed for me to come to her. Then she asks if I want to lay in bed and cuddle. Cute, but not cute enough for 6:20am. Squeaker was already in my bed since I get lazy during the 5am feedings and just bring him in with me so I can catch a few more minutes (hours) of sleep. Since Nick is out of town, I tell her to come to my bed, but to be quiet because it is still sleep time. This so does not work. (Did you expect any other outcome?)

I have to say that I was a little nervous as to how the morning/day would go since she got so little sleep. Overall, though, things went really well until we had to start getting ready for daycare. Needless to say, even though I started the process at 9am (I was to drop them off at 10am because I had an appointment at 10:15am), we were still 30 minutes late. Lovely.

The staff can totally tell that I am ready to drop the kids and run away. Bug has swollen,red eyes from crying. Squeaker is chipper. Other than getting woke up from his nap by the "loud discussion," things were right as rain in his world. Ah, babies.

The afternoon went well. Minimal confrontation from the wee one and apparently she had a great day at daycare. There was only minor stalling on her part at bedtime and I am hopeful that she will sleep through the night and maybe even sleep in a little tomorrow. I really should get to bed and take advantage of the fact that both kids are snoring, but it is the 4th of July and that means that now the sun has set, idiot neighbor kids are setting off fireworks. Not to be a party pooper, but sometimes I really wish all forms of fireworks were illegal - at least within city limits. Some people actually enjoy their sleep. Oh well, it will give me an excuse to stay up and get some work done.

I'm Done!

2009-06-25T14:56:00.003-05:00

I am finally done with the training. Not on my way home yet and bursting at the bra because I haven't pumped since 7am, but I am done!!!! Hopefully within the next hour I will be in the car and fighting rush hour traffic to get home. Yippee.

I just talked to my superintendent. He got a call from a school that I am interviewing at tomorrow morning. The interview came up very quickly and I didn't have a chance to talk to him about it and give a heads up. Dammit. I need to ask him about an extra curricular position that I applied for to see where I stand on that.

Damn, I need to pump. This is going to be a long afternoon. The pump is packed away in the car and I don't have a room to go to. This is going to be interesting. Lots of information, I know, but it is a mommy blog after all. I have to get some aspect of parenting/motherhood in here, right?

So I just talked to my superintendent. He didn't give much more than a date as to when he plans to make a decision. I am not sure if he knows the other person who was thinking of applying has stepped down yet. Either way, there is not going to be a decision/meeting until July 8 or 9. The way it sounds, though, is that once he finds out she is stepping down, I pretty much have the job. That's good to know. Ah, the joys of the workforce.

I am so bored.

AP Training - Deep Thoughts

2009-06-25T14:47:00.002-05:00

Once again I am in my room journalling in my notebook. I was particularly contemplative this night. After typing it, I realize that I really don't make much sense, but hey - I'll type it anyhow.

It is almost midnight and I really need to go to bed. Three nights of staynig up this late is starting to take its toll on me. I was falling asleep during our morning session.

These conferences/trainings are tough. Not only am I away from my family but there is so much time to think about everything, not to mention so much information to digest and retain. Am I really happy? If not, why? What am I good at? An expert at? What am I doign wtih my life? Will I ever have good skin?

Okay, so the last thought doesn't' fit, but it's still a pressing issue. Another day, another blog I guess.

Am I really happy? I guess that depends on when and where I am looking. That doesn't really answer the question, I know. Am I willing to truthfully answer the question in every area of my life? No. Like most people, I'm scared that if I take a really close look and the answer is a "no" then I might realize I don't know how to fix it, I am unable to fix it, or I'm unwilling to fix it. That scares me.

So I guess I'll need to take broader strokes and at this canvas. To be happier I need to be more open to risk. A coworker pointed that even if I'm not good at something, there are any number of people who are worse. Point take. But rejection and criticism suck. Still, there's no way to know how I rank if I don't try. Right?

This basically answers the "what am I good at?" question. I'm decent at a few things, but expert at none. A byproduct of dabbling and no risk taking. The fear (and a few road bumps that required slight detours) is causing me to miss out on so much.

AP Training - Day 1

2009-06-23T11:37:00.005-05:00

Note: I am still updating my blog. Yea! Just checked Twitter and got a comment to a tweat from someone here at Augsburg College. Kind of cool, but really makes you think about how the things you are posting find their way to just about anyone, anywhere.

Did I mention last time that the campus is a wild life refuge? Okay, so it really isn't considering that we are downtown Minneapolis and the campus is tiny. But the number of animals that we've seen roaming around, completely at ease with humans is a little odd (says the girl who grew up on a farm).

In the last 24 hours or so I have seen a squirrel having lunch on a trash can (and he like to eat, this guy was huge). He didn't care that we were basically close enough to pet him. I guess the trash he was munching on was too yummy. Later on a walk around campus we saw a huge raccoon. This may not have surprised me much if it had been dark outside, but the sun was still up and I (in my far from expert opinion) think it was way too light to be out. I tried to get B to go and pet the furry little creature, but he wouldn't. Chicken. Today I saw a catepillar and a bunny. Talk about Snow White and furry friends.

As I am writing this (writing in class, typing later), we are supposed to be writing a lesson that teaches diction and syntax. Yea. Obviously I can't focus and it is not getting done. I have an idea, but it's rattling aroudn in my head and refuses to allow itself to be written down in choerent form. I'm goign to blame the fact that there is a school with 6 teachers here who are actually able to start planning the process to incorporate what we are learning into the classroom. I, on the other hand, am a lone soul. Ideas for three grades are bouncing around and there is no one to plan with. Anothe rproblem is that I've been in class since 8:30am and it is now 4pm with 30 minutes to go. My mind is shutting down.

I miss the kids. One of the reason I slept so little is because I was trying to time pumping so I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night. I stayed up until 11:30pm reading and pumped right before turning out the light. (BTW - I am reading Size 12 is Not Fat by Meg Cabot. Think Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. Funny stuff.) And no, I didn't sleep through the night. I woke up at 3:30 and 5:30. Finally I just got out of bed at 5:45am.

This morning I talked to Squeaker (and the hubby), but how much conversation can a 4-month-old carry? Bug coudlnt' wait to get off the phone with me last night to play with Grandmap. I'll talk to everyone after 6 tonight.

Oh well. I better go. We are finally wrapping up (I hope).

AP Training - The day before classes begin

2009-06-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

Note: I wrote the following entry in my notebook because I am a loser and don't my laptop with me to access the Internet from my room. I am currently using class worktime to be a true student and get caught up with my blogs.

I am so bored. There is nothing. to do here. The tv in the dorm commons isn't even hooked up to cable. I am actually hoping for homework at this point.

Yep. I said dorm. Decent sized rooms, but still a dorm. I wonder how many people have had sex on this mattress. Ew...I probably shouldn't go there. At least the sheets they gave us appear to be laundered and have been wrapped in a clear plastic bag.

We are sharing the dorm with a wrestling camp. There are somewhere around 20 camps here with as many as 20+ guys per camp. That means lots of high school boys. They literally ate all the food in the cafeteria tonight. It was like a swarm of locusts - they came, they consumed, they left.

We (being me; B, who teaches math; and C, who also teaches English) spent hours walking around and talking. Stil nothing to do. The campus is very, very tiny. C finally turned in to do some work before classes start tomorrow while B and I hang out on hte computers a little longer. Then we go to the commons to talk more in the commons. Plus we text/talk to a coworker who went to a different training in another city.

Still nothing to do, but I do learn (from the friend we were texting/talking to) that the college campus we are on has the highest murder rate in the upper midwest. Great. So I guess that means no walking alone. Humph.

It is now after 10 and we finally decide to turn in. This is what I have to accomplish before bed:

Make bed
Do some unpacking
Pump - the joys of breastfeeding and being away from the little one
Clean pumping hardware (Ooo, sounds kinky)
Get ready for bed

Most of this goes smoothly. I feel kind of self-conscious having to walk bags of breast milk through the halls to the fridge/freezer in the suite's shared kitchen. (The sounds much fancier than it really is. It is a dorm with nasty showers and shared bathrooms. The whole nine yards.) But I will cope. There is no way that I am going to waste 5 days worth of breast milk. That is just crazy talk.

Then I go get ready for bed. Clogged sinks and no garbage cans (see, I told you it was a true dorm). No garbage can any where on the floor. Not in the rooms or in the bathrooms - at least in my suite. None are even visible in the common areas except the main common room in the lobby. Gross. I'll have to see if one can be rounded up for the shared spaces at least. There is no way that I am looking forward to collecting my breastpads and hauling them down to the common area. Way gross. Even grosser than the shared bathrooms. And you know at least one woman in the dorm is bound to have her period - so there is a question of disposal that I really don't want to think about. Ew.

A training I will go.

2009-06-16T20:19:00.003-05:00

I am taking a break from the feeding, the rocking, the cleaning, and the reading to write. The house is never clean enotugh, but that will have to wait until Thursday now since I have both kids home with me tomorrow. Squeaker and Bug are both asleep, for the moment, so that is why the rocking and feeding areon hold. And the reading. Oh, the reading.

Sunday I leave for the cities. There is a training that my school is sending me to, along with 3 other coworkers. At first I was really excited about the adventure. That is how I viewed it...almost a week away from home, living in a dorm again (which reminds me that I have to find the shower shoes once more), attending classes. Ah, to further my education.

But the closer I get to the date, the more I am starting to dread the experience. We have homework, which wouldn't be bad if I were getting a stipend (yes, I'm greedy) or graduate credit, but I'm not. And it gets worse, the homework isn't limited to the days that I am attending classes. I have spent the last week trying to find the 8 short stories/exerpts that need to be read before attending class. Plus I have to go back to work to type of the first few paragraphs of the novels I teach in class so we can do something with them during the training. Fun.

Right now, though, I am focusing my frustrations on the getting there, the packing, the preparation. I have to pack my breast pump since I am still breastfeeding Squeaker. How I am going to fit that into my schedule, I'm not sure. Then there is the storing of the "liquid gold." My hubby tells me to just toss whatever I pump. Um, no. I hate the act of pumping. It takes too long (in reality it is probably only 20 minutes start to finish) and I hate to waste. So I will have to not only pack the pump, but also a cooler to store the milk in. Which brings to mind the question of how will I keep it cold (ice or ice packs probaly won't last 4-5 days)? Hmmmm....handn't thought of that one. There is a fridge that we will share. I guess, if the cooler I bring is small enough, I could just put the cooler and all in the fridge. That might work.

Now I am starting to worry that it will be a pump and dump sort of week. Damn.

The other thing I really want to bring along is my camera. I am an amateur photographer. Personally, I think I do some decent work considering I haven't taken any classes for camera work. But will there be time to use it or is this going to be just one more "thing" to carry with me.

And then there is the question as to whether or not to bring the laptop. This would make it easier to do work. Although there is a computer lab. But does anyone really want to spend time in the lab when you can work in your pjs in the dorm?

In reality, even though I am focusing so much on the packing, prepping, and deciding of what to bring, what really is bugging me is that Iwill be gone from the kids for so long. Bug will be with my mom. Squeaker is hanging with hubby. I will see them for a few hours Sunday before I leave then I will be childless until late Thursday. This is going to suck.

What others have to say

2009-06-14T13:02:00.003-05:00

Twitter is an amazing tool. And, thankfully, it is one that has caught the attention of adults. Thinking, purposeful adults who have something to say.

With that in mind, I have had the priviledge to follow two very interesting people: @mommy2adia and @hisboyscanswim. They both talk about motherhood and pregnancy and are very open, honest women (and man, hisboyscanswim is a collaborative blog of husband and wife). Better yet, from what I have read of their tweets and blog entries, they are real. These entries are not some contrived view of what motherhood and pregnancy should look like. Instead they tell the reader what is really happening - the tears, the mood swings, the butt sweat, the fears, and the joys. This is more what I want my blog to look like. Will I ever be able to get over that mountain of thinking what I have to say isn't imporant? Of wanting to share but being afraid to? Who knows. I think this summer will bring a lot as I spend more time with the kids.

Check out their blogs: Adia's Adventures and His Boys Can Swim.

Death and the toddler - how to explain

2009-06-12T14:00:00.002-05:00

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen

This is the prayer that I said just about every night before bed when I was little. I decided to teach it to Bug because she is really enjoying saying her prayers before meals and going to church. Here's the deal, though - we are talking about dying before waking up again. A little morbid. So how do I explain this to my 3 year old?

Bug is asking more questions about death and the world around her. She sees it in on cartoons (Hunchback of Notre Dame is a recent favorite and even addresses murder) and in every day life (a bird recently committed suicide by diving head first into one of our windows). I am at a loss at how to explain the concept of death to her.

I don't want to tell her that the person/animal "went to sleep" because then I run the risk of terrifying her when it comes to bedtimes. A challenge I don't need since she is entering a difficult stage again with sleep.

Telling her that the person/animal "went away" is not an option either because then what happens when people leave the house without her and she doesn't see them for hours/days/weeks? Does she freak out thinking they have died?

At one point in my life, the thing I was most worried about was trying to potty train my child. Now I realize that that was the easy part. It's the explainations that get you. Answers have to be simple so Bug can understand them and they can't be too scary. But at the same time, they have to be honest and clear so she isn't too screwed up when she gets older.

I just wonder sometimes just how much she understands. How much is too much? When am I pushing her limits of understanding when I make requests or explain things? She is a smart kid, but I don't want to assume too much.

The things we do

2009-06-04T13:07:00.002-05:00

To prevent unexpected children. Yep, I said it. I did something today to help prevent getting pregnant again. I am not ashamed to say that I do not want any more kids. Two is enough.

So today I went to the doctor and got an IUD. It wasn't a horrible experience, but I can't say that it was a vacation, either. On the upside, I will not have to worry about birth control for 5 years! Downside, I am experiencing cramps and bleeding today - a small period more or less. This could continue on and off for the next month or so. I am a real baby when it comes to my period - I hate it and the cramps. I came home and napped instead of getting any work done. In fact, slept so long that I have about 5 minutes to blog here and then I have to run out the door to pick up the kids. Hopefully this Advil keeps working and I don't have to worry about the craps any more today. Otherwise it is going to be a challenge to find quiet things to do in the house with Bug. And softball will not be fun tonight.

And that's my "more than you needed to know" blog of the week. Have a great day!

Slightly Ironic

2009-06-01T20:57:00.003-05:00

I am the SADD advisor at my school. This was the second year of having this position and I love it. The group is still really small and we are struggling to get things moving, but I have high hopes for the kids. It helps that the officers we had in place this year were really dependable and are on the executive committee again next year. This gives me hope that the group will achieve great things.

One of the major accomplishments of the year was the month of April - Seatbelt Safety Month. There were quite a few activities that SADD put on to help educate the student body about seatbelt use, but the icing on the cake was a mock crash we hosted at the end of April. To make it even more impressive, things got pulled together in about a week because I had been on maternity leave until about 2 weeks before the event. Talk about slightly stressful.

So today, to my surprise, the Chief Deputy stops by the school and says he comes bearing gifts. I thought he was bringing materials/resources for the group to use next year. Nope. There was a really nice certificate in a wooden frame and a windbreaker (probably one of the nicest I now own) as recognition and thanks for the work I did. Plus I get to have my picture in the paper. I couldn't believe it. I was all smiles - at least until one of my co-workers had a serious need for a venting session, but that's another story.

Fastforward a few hours and I am finally done with meetings and my grades have been submitted. The only thing left for me to do is check out with the office. Unfortunately my meetings ran long and the ladies in the office left for the day. I have to go back in later this week.

As usual I am running slightly behind schedule to pick the kids up from daycare. To make matters worse, there is a detour that adds about 5 minutes or so to the drive. I am racing out of town, trying to keep a lid on my speed (I can have a bit of a heavy foot) and hit the edge of town. Going around a curve, I think that the speed limit is going to go from 30 to 55 so I start accelerating. Oops. I was a little early on the speed change and guess who is waiting for speeders like me. If you guessed the Chief Deputy who just gave me a certificate for the work I did on raising awareness on seatbelt use and good decisions, then you have guessed right. How dumb did I feel getting pulled over. Thankfully I was wearing my seatbelt and not doing anything that would get me for distracted driving. Even better, he gave me a verbal warning. Sometimes it does pay to know people.

I feel like a huge ass, but it happens. Now I know where the limit changes and that my route takes a bit longer than usual so this shouldn't be an issue in the future. So I was already planniang to send him a thank you for the certificate and windbreaker - do I say "thanks for not giving me a ticket," too? Maybe not. That might be pushing it.

I am a horrible person

2009-05-29T09:06:00.001-05:00

This morning I spanked Bug. Not hard and not bare butt, but still it happened and I feel horrible. She has been going through a very defiant stage and I lost my temper as we were trying to get out the door.

She had already been crying because I was telling her to stop doing something she wanted to do, but when I spanked her the tears came faster because she was so surprised it happened. You can tell that we really try to talk things out in our house normally because she told me just what I did and that she didn't like it and that I shouldn't do it again.

Thankfully I was smart enough to accept what I did and apologize and recognize how she felt about it instead of telling her that it was her fault and that I would never do it again if she behaved. Thankfully I was smart enough to not put that stipulation on my behavior because, realistically, she is going to do this behavior again - she's 3 and is learning her boundaries. I am the one who needs to watch my behavior when it comes to responding to her.

We cuddled and talked about what happened and I think she knows that I am truly sorry and know what I did was wrong. More importantly, she knows that I love (and like) her. She is my favorite little girl.

Then we got to daycare and she had a meltdown because she wanted a book that she left in her classroom. I wouldn't go to get for her because she had told me she didn't want it and already had a her bike helmet with her to keep track of. That and I tried explaining that she was going to her room in a few minutes with her teacher and so she could get it then. So after being such a horrible person once this morning, I got to add to that list of "best mom behavior" by walking out of the room with her calling "Mommy" as her teacher (who she normally loves) tried to distract her. I was 30 minutes late for work because I as trying to do the best I could to comfort her, but I still feel like nothing was done right this morning. At least Squeaker was smiling when I left him with his teacher.

So why am I admitting that I spanked my kid? Simple. What I did was wrong. I don't necessarily think that parents who spank their kids are rotten people. Nick and I decided that we wouldn't use spanking as a punishment with our kids. He had a horrible experience with it as a kid, I didn't (we were both spanked as kids, though). I reacted out of frustration instead of out of reason. Not acceptable as a parent, but it happens.

It makes me sad

2009-05-26T20:34:00.002-05:00

Today I am really disappointed. I am an avid listener to NPR (National Public Radio) and MPR (Minnesota Public Radio). Today I managed to catch part of the Talk of the Nation program. The topic was the California Supreme Court upholding the ruling on Prop 8 banning same-sex marriages.

I have to ask - Why?

Why is it so important to block the rights of two people, who happen to be of the same sex, to join together in the legal sense and use the term "marriage"?

Some say that it goes against religion and God. I'm not sure about you, but the God that I learned about all my life is a being that promotes acceptance and love. Granted, I am not a scholar of the Holy Book, but something about "Love thy neighbor..." comes to mind.

Others argue that homosexuality is unnatural. While I am not a scientist, I believe that there have been reported cases of homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom. If it is so unnatural to love or desire another being of the same sex, then this behavior wouldn't be something we would see except in extreme situations.

But forget about the first two. What really gets me is when someone argues that allowing same-sex marriage chips away at "family values" and the "the rights of a child to have both a mother and a father." I have also heard it argued that allowing two men or two women to marry would be "confusing" to children.

Give me a break.

First of all, I'm not sure about anyone else, but something tells me that the general population is smart enough to not be swayed to homosexuality if they see two people of the same sex displaying affection or referring to each other as married. I am not a homosexual and allowing same-sex marriage in my state isn't about to sway me. Something tells me it is a little more complicated than that.

Family values and the rights of a child. Okay. So we want to protect family values. What about the music our kids listen to and the movies/tv they watch? So many of them promote one-night-stands and objectifying others. They teach kids that it is okay to not take responsibility for their actions. And that's just the media. On a daily basis the kids in my classroom are taught that it is okay to disrespect adults and take no ownership of their decisions/actions, regardless of the consequences they have on the people around them. They look out for number one and screw anyone who gets in their way. Where are the positive role models in their lives?

The rights of a child to have both a mother and a father. Fine. Every child deserves to have positive female and male role models. But what about children of divorce. Or single parents? Or kids who lost a parent due to some tragic event? Are we about to rule that is no longer a possibility to get a divorce or force those single/widowed parents to marry so that child has both male and female parent? Not likely. Just because a child has both mom and dad in his life doesn't mean that he is going to grow up to be a well-rounded, well-adjusted member of society. It isn't about whether or not there is a mom and dad present, what matters is if the adults in that child's life care enough to make good decisions and hold that child accountable. What matters is if those parents, whether they are heterosexual or homosexual, love that child and have the family's best interest in mind when parenting.

It really angers me to think that close-minded people are the ones that are so vocal and seem to be able to grab center stage so often. Where are those who are able to stand up for themselves and say enough. Enough telling me what to think. Enough telling me what is good for my family or my body. Enough. It is time for everyone to realize that the mentality "my way or the highway" is not acceptable. It is time for people to start copping to their narrow minded mentality and really start to look at why they seem hell bent on singling out a group of people. What sort of fear is feeding their actions? It terrifies me to listen to a Jewish man call into the radio program and refer to homosexuals as "those people" and express the belief that they need to just accept the situation and let the government spend money on things that "really matter." What would have happened if someone got on the radio and said the same thing during the Holocaust? Where would he be today if the world told the Jewish community to just accept what was going on because there were more important things to focus on? Not to mention the Black, Hispanic, Japanese, and Native American communities to name a few others.

Yes, I know that comparing the legalization of gay marriage to the Holocaust or the Japanese internment camps of WWII may seem extreme, but stop to think. The fight has to start some where. Members of the GLBT community have been hunted and persecuted just like many other minority groups, groups that mainstream culture doesn't understand. Are we any worse off because we legalized interracial marriages? No. The world didn't fall apart and it won't with the legalization of gay marriage. If your faith system and "moral compass" is so weak that this threatens you, then there are deeper issues that need to be dealt with.

Time sure flies

2009-05-23T19:51:00.002-05:00

I can't believe the last time I took the time to blog was May 14! With work, kids, house, etc., things tend to get away from me. Thankfully the school year is about ready to wrap up and I can physically feel myself start to relax a little, even though I am completely swamped with work that needs to be done. I think part of it is that I will finally be rid of some of the students (and their parents) that have been causing me mild migrains all year long.

It's the long weekend and the weather is beautiful. We spent way too much money this morning running errands, but I don't feel too guilty about it. I spent some time (a couple of hours, actually) going through some of the recipe magazines that I have sitting around the house and picked a few meals that sounded good - this helped with the grocery list today. Then it was off to Goodwill to search for some jeans. I was literally down to one pair that was acceptable to wear in public. Not cool. I can now say that I am the proud owner of 3 pair of recycled jeans that I can wear around the house not feel guilty about getting stained, but at the same time they are nice enough to run errands and not feel like a total grub. Bug also found some jeans.

After Goodwill we ran to Target to get a few necessities and - score - the overnight diapers that we get were on sale because they were used as a substitute for another product that had run out. Plus I had two coupons to use on them. This means that I saved over $5 on the pack. It makes up for not saving as much as I would have liked at the grocery store.

Morning errands done, Bug and Nick go outside while Squeaker hangs out in his carseat (don't wake a sleeping baby) and I start to make lunch (homemade pizza - yum). Nap time follows for everyone except me, but I got a nice conversation in with my mom (who I just realized I forgot to call. Damn.). With nap and snack done we were out the door one more time to buy shoes. Bug goes through her shoes like there is no tomorrow. The kid is really hard on her stuff, but at least I know the damaged is caused from her being active and having fun, so I can't really complain. I also got a pair of shoes. Yea! I am starting a softball league this week and even Nick agreed that I should get some decent shoes.

Supper. Outside again. Bug loves to swing and this is what we did for the 20 minutes or so that we had before bath time. She loves to go "higher" and "faster" - the two words that can never be repeated enough times for her when it comes to being pushed. I couldn't help but be a little jealous of her flying on that swing, the wind blowing through her hair. I can't even remember what it is like to let myself go long enough to feel as if I were flying through the air on a swing. It makes me thing back to the days on the playground when we would see how far we could push ourselves - wondering if it were possible to actually go over the top of the swingset if we really got going. We never did find out if it were possible - we would find a reason to stop or go do something else before anyone got too close.

As I watched her chase birds and practice pumping her legs on the swing, I thought of all the things I want for her in life. The list is long. But at the top is enjoying life. I hate how stressed I have felt lately, which, unfortunately, is self-inflicted. The things that I normally enjoy are just sitting on the sideline collecting dust. Hopefully she will always try to go "higher" and "faster" because she loves what she is doing at the moment and not because she feels pressure to do so.

Swaddling. It's worked for us.

2009-05-14T20:24:00.003-05:00

Your baby is crying. Screaming, actually. You have no idea what to do. As far as you know you have covered the basics: clean, full, burped, unwounded. Things should be good. But they’re not.

Baby needs to sleep. Sleep is a good thing, but the youngest member of your family has yet to figure this out. Just when you think that your screaming bundle of joy is about to, finally, venture into the Land of Nod, a sudden jerk of his arms or legs (also referred to a startle reflex) jolts him awake again. Great.

Now is a good time to swaddle. You’ve seen this done before. In the hospital the nurse brought you a cute, tightly wrapped, quiet infant. Adorable and immobile. And calm. Definitely calm. What happened? Where did this child go once you brought him home?

While you may never have the same skill set as the very qualified nurse that helped you in the hospital, it is possible to become comfortable enough that you can successfully swaddle and calm your baby. I am not a doctor or trained professional, but here is what I have learned through my own experiences.

Swaddling isn’t something new. It is a technique that has been used for hundreds of years to restrict the movements of the baby.
According to Wikipedia, swaddling was originally thought to help the development of proper posture. At some point it became less accepted, only to regain popularity after the 17th century again. At this point “[I]t…become popular again as modern medical studies indicate that swaddling assists babies to sleep, and to remain asleep; and that it lowers the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (cot death).”
There are specialized swaddling fabrics and blankets that make swaddling easier, but are not necessary to successfully swaddle your baby. It is easier to get a snug fit with a flannel or stretchy fabric than with typical cotton blankets. The stretchy fabric allows you to tuck the corners under the baby securely, but allows for enough movement that you aren’t cutting off circulation or restricting breathing. Also, the more square the fabric, the easier it is to wrap the baby.
“Medical studies show that swaddling reduces arousal, or the tendency for the baby to awaken through reflex motion” (Wikipedia – Swaddling). If you ever watch a sleeping infant, you notice a tendency for his arms to randomly twitch or fly up to hit him in the face, or the legs will kick up. Any of these sudden movements will potentially startle your baby into being awake. Not cool.

With my baby, sometimes just starting the swaddling process is enough to elicite a small and coo from him. Other times he wiggles and squirms, forcing me to attempt the process several times before getting it just right. After being swaddled he will squirm to get comfortable, almost fighting the wrapping. With some patient rocking and reassuarances he generally calms down within the first minute or so. I have found that generally this “fighting” of the swaddle is a result of being really tired and attempting to stay awake.

There are some arguments against swaddling the older a child gets. Some say that once a baby reaches two months, it is a good idea to stop swaddling because he no longer needs the extra warm or sense of security provided by the blanket. It is also suggested that swaddling does not help with excessive crying after two months. I haven’t run into this problem yet and continue to swaddle because it does really help when nothing else does.

Even with the amazing success I have had with swaddling, there are a few things to look out for as indicators that it is time to give up the practice:

Your baby has started to roll over. Swaddling restricts movement and so once your child is able to roll it is a good idea to either wrap the baby loosely, keeping the fabric away from his face, or encouraging him to find another way to be soothed. Restricting the movements of a mobil baby could potentially lead to suffication if he rolls over and is unable to lift his head off the mattress or move it away from a blanket.
Your baby seems to be getting overheated. Overheating is a possible risk factor in SIDS. If you feel it is necessary to continue swaddling, a possible option is to have your baby only wear a diaper or onesie while swaddled.
Limiting movement. We all know that it is extremely important for babies to practice their skills. This includes moving around and soothing themselves. Some parents opt to only swaddle at night and allow their child to have free movement during the day.
Your baby really doesn’t seem to like being swaddled. My oldest hated being swaddled. No amount of practice or patience would have gotten her to enjoy being wrapped up. My son, on the other hand, loves it. He could be having the worst afternoon and, generally, once he is swaddled and being held by someone he is a very pleasant little man.

There are several suggested ways to swaddle a baby. Generally, the directions go as follows:

Lay the blanket on the floor or other hard surface so it looks like a diamond.
Fold the top corner down approximately 3-4 inches so it forms an edge.
Place the baby on the blanket with his head above the fold.
Wrap the shorter side of the blanket around the baby, keeping the arms either at his side or across his chest, and tuck the corner under the baby.
Bring the bottom corner to the baby’s chest.
Finally, bring the long corner/side of the blanket across the baby and tuck it under his body.

Personally, I have made a few modifications.

Instead of folding the top corner down, I leave it as is and just place his head about 2 inches from the corner. The reason for this is simply because I can’t ever seem to get the process to work any other way. Be careful not to place the baby’s head too far down from the corner because then you run into the problem of the edges of the blanket covering his face once you start tucking in the other corners. If you don’t feel comfortable leaving the corner unfolded, you can fold it back behind the head.
I keep my son’s arms at his sides. He is getting amazingly strong at 11 weeks and if I started with his arms on his chest, there would be no hope of them staying within the blanket.

I am not a professional. In no way do I suggest that this is a guaranteed cure for that finicky baby. The information that I have found is from personal experiences and research. Good luck.

Some Helpful Links:

Swaddling - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
How to Swaddle a Baby Swaddling how-to for parents--reasons to swaddle, tips to remember and step-by-step techniques.
Swaddling a BabyWhat are the risks and benefits of swaddling a baby? "Getting my baby to sleep through the night, and quickly comforting him when cries, was easy once I started swaddling him with a blanket.

Dreft - a mom's friend

2009-05-06T19:53:00.003-05:00

I don't normally like to endorse one product over another, but when something works, it works. Squeaker had a blowout a couple weeks ago. I am talking gross to the maximum. Here's the story.

I was feeding him and the house was abnormally warm. He seemed to be a bit sweaty from sitting in my arms so long so I didn't really think much of it when my lap/stomach area felt a little damp - I chalked it up to holding a 13lb kid for almost an hour while he ate/hung out. I got up to help finish getting Bug ready for bed only to find that what I though was sweat was really a diaper gone wrong. Very wrong. Squeaker pooped and it managed to creep up and out the top back of his diaper, oozing onto my pajama bottoms. Nice. (Are you loving the graphic visuals here? Motherhood is nothing if it isn't for the gross stories.)

I immediately threw everything into the wash. My pants and his white with fun print onesie. I didn't pretreat, thinking that since nothing really had a chance to set, there would be no problem getting the grossness that is breastfed baby poo off the clothes. (Yes, there really is a difference between the poo of babies who are breastfed and those who are formula fed. The doctors describe the poo of boob babies as yellow and mealy. They're right. Ew.) When transferring the clothes from the wash to the drier, I didn't even bother to double check that the stain had come out.

Oops. There was a stain. It was just on Squeaker's onesie, though. I thought the outfit was ruined and shunned it to the way back of the drawer to only be used as an emergency outfit or a dust rag. Then the other day, while doing laundry, I happened to notice the spray bottle of Dreft sitting on the dryer. It has been there, literally, for years (a shower gift for Bug 3 years ago). What the heck, let's give it a try. After spraying the stain liberally and rewashing, I was happily surprised to see that most of the yellow reminder was gone. One more treatment and wash and the outfit looks like new.

If I hadn't seen the results, I wouldn't have believed that a stain created by a diaper blowout and that hadn't been treated initially completely disappeared. This totally sounds like one of those super dorky late night infomercials (I know, I watch enough of them), but I couldn't help but share the success here. Hopefully it works just as well on formula stains (yes, we supplement at times). Those can be really hard to remove.

Loud, numbing music can be your friend

2009-05-06T11:45:00.001-05:00

I have been awake since 4am. Yes. 4am. It is now 11:28am. My morning has been exceptionally long.

Saturday I went to urgent care because I felt like crap. Total. Utter. Crap. I had already diagnosed myself with a sinus infection, which, of course, there is no real medication for. Thankfully the doctor also said I had an ear infection. I say thankfully because this meant antibiotics. I am feeling much better.

Squeaker, however, is still feeling like crap. I don't think he has anything more than a cold since we are still getting smiles and friendly coos from him, but he sounds horrible so today he has a doctor appointment just to be sure there is nothing more.

So why is loud, numbing music my firiend? Toddler meltdowns can trigger a need for anything that is loud by your own choice. Bug had a meltdown today. It is bike day today and I feel really, really, REALLY bad for the teacher that tells her it is time to come inside after playtime. I could hardly get her to walk away from the bike this morning and ended up bribing her with allowing her to wear her helmet into the classroom (with firm instructions to take it off when the teacher told her to).

The crying, screaming, feet dragging, and snotting really got to me - unfoturnately for her this "got to me" moment was not a "poor kid" sort of thing. No, this was a "get your sorry, spoiled (even though I don't think she is) butt over here before I give you a reason to cry" sort of moment.

Needless to say, I was a little frustrated. So, being the responsible parent I am, I took many, many deep breaths. Tried to laugh instead of cry and quickly walked out of the door after making sure she was properly dropped off in her room. Once in my car, I searched frantically for something that wasn't classical or Disney (or both) and breathed a sigh of relief when I found Nickelback securely hidden in a mismarked case. Thank God. Flip past the "slow" songs and crank it up. Noise that I opted for, that I decided was okay, is bliss. Pure, mind-numbing, seperate-myself-from-the-situation bliss.

Being up at 4am really didn't have much to do with the story other than my need for caffine didn't help my urgency to get away from the situation.

It's not all bad

2009-04-27T10:37:00.001-05:00

I have been a little doom and gloom on my last few posts. Sorry. It's been a really rough couple of weeks as I continue to adjust to work and new schedules with the kids.

Here's a funny story. Yesterday we decided to go out to eat. The first choice was Applebee's, but it was way too busy, so we ended up eating at Grizzly's. Of course I hadn't done my make-up and my hair was nothing more than a frizzy pile of ponytail. And to make the overall effect even better, it was starting to rain/drizzle and, of course, I had just been outside. My hair was surprisingly wet for the short amount of time I had been out.

Nick was nice and instead of making us all get out of the car to see if there was seating at Grizzly's, he ran inside. While waiting I decided to look in the mirror. This is the conversation I had with Bug, my 3-year-old.

Me: "Does Mommy look pretty today?"
Bug: "No."
Me: (with a smile) "Wow. That's harsh."
Bug: "Sorry, Mommy."

At least she's honest.

My Experience with Potty Training

2009-04-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

"The Baby Workout" blog was definitely something written long before the following, which is once again something that I wrote pre-mommy blog. We have succeeded in potty training, at least during daylight hours. Bedwetting at night is still an issue, but this is beyond our control as the doctor reassures me that staying dry at night is a brain maturity issue and not something we can control at this point.

Potty training. This was the one thing that I dreaded the most about motherhood. Funny. Most people dread the pain of labor or losing their “baby” to becoming a toddler or older child. Me? I find that I am enjoying motherhood more and more as my daughter gets older. The potty training? Well, I am still dreading that.

My daughter will be three in March. We switched daycares and started focusing on potty training this past August using primarily pull-ups and training pants. January 5 marked the day that the training pants were put away and we moved to “big girl” underwear. Today marks day eight of the training. I am beginning to wonder if at times it isn’t more of a training for parents verses a training for the toddler.

Every one and a half to two hours we make the trip to the bathroom. Sometimes this goes well and there are no tears. Other times, well, there are small meltdowns because coloring time has been interrupted. I have learned that there is no “right” time to take a break for the bathroom. You just have to take the break. I also learned, both from experience and reading comments by other parents, that there is no real point in asking “Do you have to go potty?” because that is basically code for “Go ahead and pee in your pants now that I have reminded you that you have to go.” Nope, a simple “Time to use the toilet” is much more efficient.

This weekend was a pretty good experience overall; a total of two accidents in two days. Not too bad. Then again, we had three accidents this morning alone. So I suppose it is just hit and miss. Thankfully my daughter is at least telling me she needs to be changed after the accident and she is attempting to tell me that she has to use the toilet before actually wetting/soiling herself. For those steps I am thankful.

So what have I learned from the potty training experience? Training pants/pull-ups, no matter how color or colorful or gimmicky, do not work for my daughter. If she does not want to be interrupted from what she is doing, she could care less if the princess’ shoes stamped onto her “underwear” disappear when wet or there is the feeling of a “cool sensation” triggered in the pull-up due to having an accident. She is, however, starting to feel a little uncomfortable when she makes a mess in her actual underwear. You can see this as she walks as if trying to straddle a horse on the way to the bathroom.

I have given up on listening to people who tell me what worked for their kid. Cold turkey wasn’t a magic pill for training this summer. Waiting until she takes the lead wasn’t necessarily the right way either, but we were smart enough to know that forcing her to sit on the toilet wasn’t going to work either. My daughter was comfortable using the toilet when we put her on it and was never afraid of hearing it flush, but she was also comfortable with the process of messing herself and then having us do the dirty work of cleaning her up. I am not above bribing her, but even that doesn’t seem to be a consistent solution to getting her to regularly using the toilet.

The only truth I have heard with all the reading and talking about potty training a toddler is that it will happen, each child is different, and if you find something that seems to be working it is important to stick with it. Right now, the pull for my daughter is reading a book while waiting to pee. Eventually, if you train yourself well enough to manage not freaking out over the “little” accidents, you will be able to help your child figure out that the potty is for big kids and diapers are yucky.

The Baby Workout

2009-04-23T20:36:00.001-05:00

This is an entry that I have posted on previous blogs. I can't but take a moment to repost it. I will be experiencing this grant right of passage soon enough. Ah, the joys of diapers and baby mobility.

This piece is for those who are really feeling the need to challenge themselves with the next step in fitness - working out with babies/toddlers. These steps were written with my daughter in mind. While they may be applied to the diapering process used with male toddlers, I advise additional caution during steps 6-8 due to the "fountainous overflow" factor.

This "workout" is in no way doctor endorsed. My only credentials are the fact that I am a parent who has tackled many workout sessions of my own. I cannot guarantee any level of success rate. Good luck to all who attempt.

For additional sweat production, find a toddler who would rather be doing something else - anything else. The process usually looks something like this:

Catch said toddler. This can be a problem once you realize the little person with the offensive smell trailing her is actually a mini track star in diapers.
Negotiate a sit down. This may include reaching or lunging for toys of interest. If negotiations fail, repeat step 1.
Once the toddler is actually in the desired diaper changing position, it is often advisable to have backup nearby in both adult and toy format due to the fact that this is the point the toddler shows real potential for old-school WWF moves. (How do they twist like that? And how can such a little person be so strong?)
Remove pants/clothing to access the offensive diaper.
Repeat step 1.
Remove diaper.
Replace dirty diaper with fresh diaper. This can be difficult if the toddler, who had actually been cooperating, decides she would rather run around sans diaper because the process is taking too long.
Repeat step 1.
Redress the toddler.
Collapse in disbelief from the superhuman skills, speed, and moves performed by the toddler.

There you have it. Additional tips, suggestions, or true-life testimonies/stories welcome.

The Little Smiles

2009-04-23T11:55:00.001-05:00

Last night was tough. There ended up being a fight between me and Nick and I know it is not over. Sometimes I joke that we could be the stereotypical Italian family when we fight - loud, occassionally things get thrown, and grudges are held. Nothing was thrown last night and while there was little yelling, things weren't pleasant.

But enough of that. While I am at times tired of the word "Mommy" as it is being said, hollered, or whined constantly around the house, the little lips forming that word more than make it worth the irritation.

Bug made sure to give me a great big hug this morning and a kiss. Plus she didn't throw a tantrum when I left. It was like she knew I was going to need a little help with smooth sailing whenever possible. Squeaker had lots of smiles for me this morning, too. And while he did start to fuss and cry in the car, he was easily pacified. Sometimes kids just know when the adults in their lives need a little extra help - even if it is an extra hug or kiss.

And while I dread having to go home and try to maintain some form of wakefullness and entertain the munchkins, I do look forward to hearing Bug tell me about being line leader and the fun she had riding the red bike during play time and now that Squeaker is starting to babble and smile more, his conversation skills are a plus, too.

Parenting - a love/hate relationship.

Moommmmyyyyyy

2009-04-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

I had my post baby check up today. I got the ever anticipated go ahead for sex. Yeah, like I have enough energy to even consider the idea of nukie.

The really nice thing about the visit is that I got a chance to talk to the doctor, a woman who I know from Bug's last daycare. I got a chance to talk about how I was feeling, something that really doesn't happen often because, to be honest, I'm not a feelings sort of person. Unless I can write about it, which, as you have picked up on I'm sure, isn't happening much lately.

I am feeling overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. There is no time in the day for me. None. My first two journals were written in school while students were given some work time. (No, I am not slacking on my teaching duties to write. The work time was already scheduled. I swear.) Tonight I am attempting to take a little time to myself to write.

This is how the process has gone so far. Nick gets home from work around 5ish after getting the luxury of running an errand. (He doesn't fully understand, I'm sure, how this is a luxury. Read: no kids to fight with.) I try to take some "Mommy time" and Bug decides that she wants to join me downstairs. Now it's potty time. Upstairs we go. Back downstairs again. Then the oven tells me that it is preheated and ready for supper. Nick doesn't move, so it is upstairs again. Chicken nuggets go into the oven and baked beans in the microwave. (Gourmet, I know.) Nick picks up on the fact that I am not in a great mood and asks what's wrong. Tell him about "Mommy time" and he tells me that he understands, that he is going through the same thing. Yeah, right. I take it as sarcasm, he tells me he is trying to be understanding. Needless to say, while there isn't really a fight going on, there is little conversation happening. Let's call it polite silence. Comfortable silence. Supper is finished. I get Squeaker (who has been crying for about 5 minutes while we finish eating) and Nick gets Bug for bath. Then it is bath time for Squeaker and bedtime for Bug. Whew. Bug is in bed (How long does it take to put a toddler to bed? Good question.) and it is back to Squeaker. He won't stop crying because he has to poop, but will only fart. I get the go ahead to come back downstairs and miracles of miracles, Nick finally gets him to stop crying.

If you made it through that last paragraph, congrats. As an English teacher, the composition makes me cringe, but not enough to fix it.

The really frustrating thing is that I keep looking for something that is no longer mine: myself. Now that I have kids, no matter how much help I get from Nick, I am no longer myself. I know Nick does help out. He really is a decent guy, no matter how much I complain about him, and I know he loves both me and the kids. But I miss me and this makes me bitter. Hence the title of my blog: You Can Never Go Back. Because you can't. Never. Kids change who you are and the person that existed before is now a memory. Morbid? Dramatic? Sure. But it's true.

No more dropping everything to hang with the girls. The visit might interfere with naptime or the next feeding. No more running into the gas station for a pack of gum. It's illegal to leave the kids unattended in the car, plus there is the fear of coming back out of the store only to find it (and more importantly the kids) gone. Overnight visits? Can be done, but there is definitely planning needed. And what about hobbies. Sure you can keep them, but how often will you get the chance to enjoy them?

I love my kids and, yes, even my husband. The smiles that they give me make the lack of sleep seem petty. When Bug tells me that I am her best friend (right after telling me how much she loves her shoes or spoon or whatever), I can't help but smile and relish the moment. There are so many great things about motherhood (and I will talk about them, too) and most of the time they outweight the frustrations, but let's be honest. There are only so many sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and missed social gatherings a person can take before she needs a break.

I need a break.

The journey continues

2009-04-20T11:59:00.001-05:00

Week two of back to work and motherhood is really starting to wear on me. I find myself extremely irritated with everything - especially my husband, Nick.

I have absolutely no time to myself. None. Not even in the bathroom. My daughter, Bug, has yet to grasp the idea of a closed door equals privacy. But even if she did understand this, we are working on her potty training and when she has to go, all bets are off.

Squeeker, my son, is only 8 weeks old and doesn't let me get too far away from him, especially since I'm breastfeeding. Scratch that, my husband doesn't let me get too far from him. Whether washing dishes, doing laundry, or trying to get 5 minutes on the computer, the minute Squeeker cries I get called.

Last night I tried to get some computer time. Just a couple of minutes to glance at the e-mails that would be waiting for me in the morning. Squeeker had been fed, changed, swaddled and put to bed. I thought I had at least 20 minutes to myself.

Wrong.

While putting the clothes in the dryer I heard Nick go to Squeeker's room to get him. The little buddle of joy was crying. Nick calls downstairs - "He's awake!"

Duh. I'm not always the brightest bulb in the box, but I can tell when my child is awake and crying. I can also tell that this call of "He's crying" translates into "The baby's no fun right now, you do something."

I have to ask. When do I get to call down to my husband and tell him "He's awake" and actually expect him to come upstairs and take over? When do I get to roll over in the middle of the night and wait for Nick to go into one of the kids' rooms when they wake up and cry out?

I love my husband. I do. But most of the time, when it comes to the kids, I don't like him much. Yes, he is really good with our oldest. He plays with her and does help out. Right now, though, I am feeling overwhelmed and crabby and unappreciated. I am no longer me and this has only become more obvious with the birth of our second child. I miss me and everything that I was and wasn't.

I am still eating for two

2009-04-15T08:29:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my first day back to work after 6 weeks of leave. I was feeling pretty good about myself. There were at least two pairs of jeans in my closet that were fitting and the dress pants that I tried on yesterday morning actually fit. Things were going my way.

This morning I have decided that the last 20 pounds that I have been unworried about now need to be a priority. After trying on three pairs of pants and finally deciding that I squeezed into the last pair with the least amount of scary, it was time to find a shirt.

Let me explain something. When you are breastfeeding most tops do not fit you right. You have to take into account the constant expansion and reduction of your chest region. This means that I have yet to put away many of my maternity tops because the extra material helps somewhat. But much like they did during the pregnancy, they still do not fit quite right. Unfortunately, now that I am sans belly, I can't justify wearing my husbands shirts any more.

So what about the title? Why am I still eating for two? Acting as a two legged milking cow requires a little extra energy. This energy comes from extra calories, which, as we all know, is found in food. Unfortunately my sweet tooth has only gotten sweeter and I am finding my extra calories/energy in all the wrong food groups. Okay, really it is just one food group - sugar. If there is sugar in or on the food, there is a really good chance that I will eat it. Plus, chips are yummy. Definitely yummy.

So as I sit here at my computer, watching students take a state test for graduation and drinking my can of pop, I am determined to lose weight. That probably means that the walk that I was going to skip tonight is no longer tabled and I will drag my sore butt (and legs and back) out the door with a double stroller to push almost 50lbs of combined weight between the two kids around the block. If I walk really, really fast, maybe that 20lbs will be gone by tomorrow morning when I have to find another presentable outfit for work.